What are you doing?!

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What are you doing?!

Civilization V

I don’t know? That’s always my first reaction to that question. Mostly because people only ask me that when I’m doing something silly and I really have no idea what I’m doing. Sometimes, and I know I’m not the only one, I’m letting my subconscious take over and do weird things. I don’t mind, as long as I don’t hurt others, break anything, hurt myself and I’m having fun. So, what am I really doing?

No, I’m not mostly playing Civilization V, but it is an awesome game. I like it, and I do play it when I have about sixteen hours of nothing to do. Much like the city-planning in the above picture, I’m doing some thinking outside the box. I don’t really like keeping to boundaries. Why should I? Things forbidden are always so much more interesting. I graduated in december 2011 and found a part-time job in september. It’s a nice job, but I don’t make enough money to be independent of my parents yet. I’m still figuring out which path I want to follow, but it’s hard. Not only because there aren’t many jobs, but also what kind of person do you want to be. My dad told me to just take any job so I could make some money. My brother said that if I started working well below my level and I would get a nice salary, I’d quit looking for something better. I know I want to do something I love. I can’t sacrifice what little time I have to doing something I don’t like and become miserable.

It’s probably me wishing for an ideal world, to do something you love and make money doing it. But that’s me, thinking that the one thing outside my box is within reach. If I want it, I can get it, as long as I keep working towards it. One step at the time. I know things don’t come easy and my physical problems are still obstacles I need to conquer. But I will get there. Why? Because I want to.

A few weeks ago my doctor told me I have Tietze’s Syndrome. It wasn’t anything I didn’t know yet. I’ve had the symptoms since my hypermobility surfaced, but all the doctors I’d seen at the time didn’t look beyond the first and immediate diagnose. Tietze’s Syndrome is also a chronic condition where pain comes and goes as it pleases. Especially during the cold season. I get trouble breathing when it’s colder than 10°C. When I’m outside in freezing temperatures, I feel as if I’m breathing fire. It hurts a lot. I took pain killers again when the pain started recently, but decided to stop and get over it. I know I’ve to live with this for a very long time and I might as well get used to it. I have to be able to do the stuff I normally do.

I can’t let things like that bring me down. Stress and negativity are bad for me. It makes the pain worse and brings down my mood. I wish I could shrug it off and move on. I would’ve been able to if things passed. If a sprained ankle healed. If an infection isn’t returning and when my shoulder and hip decide to not dislocate anymore. Right now my physical condition is keeping me from dancing, one thing I really love to do. I hope that soon I’ll be able to replace some of the negative things in my life with positive ones. I started this exchange process last year and it felt good. Fight the bad and welcome the good. I’ll keep on doing that this year and every year after.

I made some inquiries about a master’s degree in education and hopefully I can start this year. It’ll be another two or three years of slaving away, but it’ll help me to get a job doing what I love. In my spare time I will continue gaming, reading and writing, doing the other things I love.

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2 comments

  • Arjen04/02/2013 at 17:54Reply

    You know. You’re kinda awesome ;)

    And I’m not just saying. Sticking to your dreams and ideals, not many people have it in them to do that. I don’t. But you do, despite everything. And to me, that’s awesome.

    • Endalia04/02/2013 at 19:14Reply

      Thank you for your sweet comment :) I truely believe that you can do anything you want as long as you’re willing to fight for it. Hopefully you’ll find something you want to fight for as well :)

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